Continuing bonds in grief
Speaking one-to-one and in support groups with grievers for years provided opportunities to not only hear life-changing stories but also to share in laughter and memories about how the significant person lived. After some time, many individuals begin to question their desire to speak about the person that died, wondering whether their thoughts should still be filled with memories and if they should limit the conversations about their person.
In the past, grievers would have been told to clinically “move on” from their grief, however that perspective has fortunately shifted. The Continuing Bonds Theory is a modern approach to understanding grief that challenges the traditional notion that healthy mourning requires "letting go" of the deceased. The theory was introduced by Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman in their 1996 book Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief. The theory proposes that instead of severing emotional ties, people often maintain meaningful and ongoing connections with those who have died.
Rather than viewing grief as a process with a definitive endpoint, Continuing Bonds sees it as a transformation of the relationship. The individual remains an important part of the mourner’s life—not physically, but emotionally, spiritually, or symbolically. It validates those who find comfort in maintaining such connections and reframes grief as an adaptive, evolving relationship—not a problem to be resolved.
These bonds can manifest through memory, storytelling, rituals, internal dialogue, or ongoing influence in decision-making. We express continuing bonds in a variety of ways that help us feel emotionally close and connected to the person who has died. These connections do not end after the funeral or memorial service, nor do they require rituals like building a shrine or creating a dedicated sacred space.
Here are some ways people often maintain continuing bonds. Are any of these part of your journey?
Visiting a gravesite or memorial regularly
Looking through photos or keepsakes
Speaking to the person in thought
Celebrating their birthday or other significant dates
Listening to music or watching movies they loved
Preparing a favorite meal they used to enjoy
Journaling memories or letters to them
Supporting a cause or charity they cared about
Sharing stories about them with family or friends
Engaging in spiritual practices that foster a sense of presence
Many individuals wonder if it’s normal to still feel the need to connect with a loved one years after their death. The answer is yes—it is both natural and meaningful. These activities can provide comfort, a sense of presence, and ongoing meaning in the grieving process. I encourage you to lean into a continuing bond today.
© Anchor Grief, 2025
